Well that was fast

Old Timmy try hard over here. Always trying his hardest. Too hard in fact that I never let myself just be myself where the true artist is. In acting class I was always soooo nervous and afraid of failing. The last scene I acted in, my teacher essentially gave me the permission I was craving to let go of trying and thats when the audience laughed and I got confirmation in my ego. How ironic (is that irony? Let's check google... "a state of affairs or an event that seems deliberately contrary to what one expects and is often amusing as a result." I'd say so.). It's almost like I can't not try (double negative equals a positive kids).

I'm already bored of this subject. There he goes again not going deeper into a topic where it starts getting really juicy. Maybe the medium of writing just isn't where I am meant to shine. Perhaps through voice or visual is better for my twitchy, electric, ADD style. Do I just want to do a podcast because I listen to a shit-load of podcasts thus influencing my own preferences or is it something that I can really enjoy. I tried just talking to garageband once or twice just for kicks a while back and found that to be interesting.

I always dreamed of recording every moment of my life. There's something very appealing in that, but there's also a dark side of course. I'd recommend checking out Black Mirror episode 3, season 1 called The Entire History of You. It's a great parallel to what I've been thinking about. Outside of some dystopian vision of this idea I would also recommend checking out Radio Lab's episode called David and the Wire. That one is closer to my reality. Although both of these examples provide a cautionary tale on the subject, I think there is some merit in the idea.

Captain Crunch! Woooooo I don't care anymore! I feel like Billy West all over again! All over again? When was I before? There's something brilliant in the madness! We don't let ourselves be like this anymore! Not everything has to be profound Timmy!

But I want to be important! People won't love me unless I try...right?

Do or do not, there is no try. Thanks Yoda! Mmmmmmmmmadness. Is being single the answer? NO FUCK OFF WITH THAT BULLSHIT AGAIN. Jesus, sorry.

What's his problem? He's diluting his meds with bourbon .

Ah that makes sense. Are you not entertained? I pretty much got the structure of the post out. Talk about something I think is profound and introspective. "Oh look how amazingly introspective Aaron is. Such a smart boy trying so hard. He deserves my love now." The self loathing schtick gets tiring after a while. People get wise. Or do they?

You see what I'm dealing with? This shit never ends. Round and round we go, where it will stop nobody knows. I think that's where the whole "structure is good for me" thing comes into play. If left to my own devices I just start going cuckoo for cocoa puffs (two cereal references baby). Mostly it's just entertaining to myself honestly. Growing up as an only child you have to find creative ways of entertaining yourself and you develop a certain schizophrenia/dual personality to have dissonance conversations. Or maybe its the Tourette's. Who the fuck knows. I should probably see a psychiatrist or something. Everyone should apparently according to Jonah Hill. We're all dealing with the scars of our past, a little professional help couldn't hurt I guess.

I'm sorry I didn't write for so long. I was going to name this post "Breaking the Habit" which I thought was clever since I love Linkin Park so much but I got bored of sitting on the title for so long (I thought of it several days ago) so I just went with the first thing that popped into my head when I started writing. I hadn't quite formed a habit of writing and thus with a break in my regular schedule I wasn't able to keep it going. Back to square one we go. Not quite but it's an uphill struggle for sure.

This one's been fun. I forgot how fun being stupid and not caring can be (although secretly still caring). This is probably like 75% of my true reality. Maybe even a little higher, I'm no mathematician, fuck off. Who's gonna read this, my Grandma? Fuck you Grandma. Hahahahaha. I'm sorry Gram Gram. I can't promise I'll write tomorrow but let's take one day at a time. My wife helped me get here today, so thanks for that. I'll blow you later.

Cheers,

Aaron